Forging a new myth

Lately ive taken to writing the story of my linkshell (the group of players on the game i play) in epic verse. Im pretty happy with it. It varies between bar humor and classical poetry so its kinda crazy. And dont worry about tl;dr i totally understand. It follows:


I present to you something i found in an abandoned porn store near Jueno. The accuracy of this account is already in question as it happens to be total shit and filled with grammatical errors. But this epic tale will take some time to transcribe i give you the first section. I still need to scan the pictures which accompany the text but that will come soon.


The Chronicle of Censhura


The First Book of Censhura- The Days Before and the Forefather's Kingdom

In the days before days, there were the great powers that ruled. The yellow above all, the red, the white, the pink, and the diabolical green. Some ruled justly but most as ignorant tyrants. They filled the world with failure and wasted the masses time and money on things of little note. The red and yellow withdrew from the world with their vast knowledge and wealth. This gap of power lead to the battle of the dark ones. This was a time of great strife amongst the masses.

The Forefather and his Heroes

In this turmoil a man rose up even though he was only knee high. A man of red magic carrying a pearl of blue came to fight the menace of those who would fight the kings of the world. The ancestor Flipstorm was a man of severity. Wanting not of ignorance, nor of fools he set upon his quests to de-thrown those who would spread fail, ego, and evil across the land. This was not the task of just one man. To him this hero sought to gather many great warriors to restore order to this world.
He sought out persons he had know of from the adventures of his youth. In the city of white gates he found Zhi the paladin, whose shield was strong and tits quite exquisite. In a town of goldsmiths he found the master of magic Dagna, who could draw many charts and keep his empire running- even if out of date. He also sought the Summoner Colreign, who could make love to any woman no matter her age or sagginess. With these generals in tow he assembled other great heroes, the rich young nobleman Sovelis whose fists were said to be plated in solid gil, a young ninja whose chidori’s were most ultimate and whose soul was most gar, the grouchy old man Isildor- who could destroy walls with his beard, as well as the magician Dista who was quite clearly gay. With these and other great heroes he marched to the places of battle to fight the greatest battles that had ever been seen….

The Battles for the World

Flipstorm took his band of heroes to face the barbarians who were spreading failure across the land. As he took the field Flipstorm proclaimed, “wow these guys totally suck” and they responded back “you face us with a simple band whose advantage is only numbers ROFL.” The battles were many and not all went to the fledgling band of heroes but after a time they had gained momentum. They were destroying the crumbling empires.

The Forefather's Depature

As Flipstorm was able to wrest the grand ring of defending from the clutches of the barbarians he grew somber. He turned to his men and said unto them, “This land has come to a peace, there are other places I must go. You all must stay to see that what I did here is not undone, and that these fools and failures are never allowed to rise again and bring darkness to this land.” His generals and followers told him to stay and that they could not hold his kingdom without him. But unto their plees he said this “I got shit to do, see ya” and away he walked across the mountains. As his diminutive shadow faded into the distance, those left began to grow the glorious rule we know today. But alas our story does not end there.


Book 2: The Rise of King Zhi

The Forming of the Grand Paladins Kingdom

The days did quickly pass with the Forefathers absence and for a time many plans arose. Many said to leave the throne empty for perhaps his work in the far lands may soon be finished. Many said there were rumors that he sent messages back and would often send his voice across the waves with what to do. These ideas were folly. The grand Paladin Zhi saw that what was needed was order in the chaos. He said unto his people
Quote:
"members of the world listen to my words and stare at my ample cleavage for what I say is truth. What we need is order and for order a king. If you would have me as your king i will take this honor. And if I would have you as subjects i would lead you to a great prosperity and many laughs for this is my word and my word is truth."


The people knew of his heroism at the side of the forefather and they gave him their allegiance and access to their rears. The king traveled the world and brought laughter and happiness to all who would follow him and sorrow and CueCue* to those that opposed them. As the blue banner was raised the people came to him. The people in adoration of the king wrote this song:

Quote:
O great Zhi, O great Zhi thou kingdom is a land of plenty,
o splendid leader, o splendid leader, thou humor is as sharp as thine sword,
o greatest paladin, o greatest paladin thy warriors are worth a thousand,
For our king is a king of grandeur- as grand as the breasts upon his chest"

The Zhi looked upon his land and things were good. The threat of the pink, white, and green tribes was still a constant annoyance to the kingdom but for a time things were great.

The Tearful Execution of Colreign


The great general Colreign was administering the grand kingdom when one day he came upon the great cave of Maaad Kat'ar. The general was a man of adventure wanting to expand the blue blessing to every reach of the land decided to enter the grand maw. The cave was a dry and gray place filled with unsightly things not to be mentioned to ears of the masses. Colreign did enter the cave but into his humors eeked the dreaded gasses of the cave. The putrid stench of the cave spread its dark magic into the hero unbeknown to him. Finding the cave empty and vile Colreign left. The damage was however done, as he left the cave it began to occupy his mind and falter his will. In skirmishes with the tribals he would make mistakes, even cowardly call for assistance from them.

The warriors of the king saw this and knew not what had happened but knew that something must be done. Dragoces the blackest of mages went to the king and said to him
Quote:
Grand Paladin, the Summoner Colreign hath gone quite mad. He calleth for help from thine enemies and fighteth the most curious random battles instead of those set forth by thine kingship. The bitch be trippin'.


Zhi heard the calls of his men and the state of affairs. The king called Colreign to his garden by this time the miasma of the cave had fully infected the humors of the once great hero, he was a shadow of what may be called a man. The king did have him kneel. The Zhi then with eyes full of tears took the hammer of ban, which had been handed down since the before times, and took it to the head of Colreign. Seeing the crumpled form of his former friend the king did say, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT- THATS A LOT OF BLOOD. But not as much Sesshi last week AMIRIGHT GUYS?" And the court did laugh except chief magistrate Sesshi, who did say that the Grand Paladin could take the hammer of bans and fully violate his own anus.

(Illustrations forth coming)

*Translators note: This word did not appear in any dictionaries of the time. Historians think it may be a type of fetid meat that would make the locals upset


Book 3: Zhi's 3 visits to the Sage

The King and the Sage

The King was sitting in his court one day as the Grand Commander Dagna gave him the finances of the Limbus district and how the local beast was a dickbutt. The Zhi did not care for numbers and in his boredom began to think of his youth. In the city where he had grown up, the Zhi had once been visited by a great sage who taught him the way of the shield. The sage had quickly left only a few days later to attend to his kingdom. The Zhi had not thought of his mentor for many years; His mind was troubled with the turmoil of attempting to drive out the barbarians from the land of kings.

As Dagna ended his report the king had an idea. With such a great sage at his side he may be able to drive out the barbarians for good. With this new goal in mind the king called his men to him.

The Search for the Sage

He sent his best to search for the sage. The furiously frugal Nojoke who could make long journeys on little money, the great mechanier Serg who used many great machines to propel himself, and the oven enthusiast Justbaem who could strike terror into the hearts of men with just his voice. The messengers searched for long months and met with many perils. Nojoke, refusing to pay for a full price boat ride, found himself on a ship to a land filled with barbarians when he bought a bargain ticket. He was never heard from again. The Serg created a device that allowed him to continue running while he was unconscious. This machine angered the Gods for they meant for men to sleep. The gods then struck him down for his affront to them. He was never heard from again. The Justbaem was once surrounded by bargain hunters in a bazzar to the north. Justbaem was able to trick the crowd of cut throats in a trap he disguised as a shower. From his captives he was able to get a wealth of information. He returned to the king triumphant.

Justbaem told The Zhi how the sage was a defender of the Red Kingdom which had itself in the mires of the east and how the sage's hermitage was a small cottage in the mire.

The Three Visits to Aiolias Hermitage

The Zhi did set out with his finest sworn brothers Dagna of the Chart and Dista the Fanciful to pay visit to the sage. Along the way they heard some villagers digging muck out of different muck and they did sing this song:


Quote:
Why I this from away love do say.
I hear of want stunked i am.
If ass man of nother want,
no need you i anyway.
I know how treat a ladi, mayn


The king heard this song and asked the villagers who had composed this song and they said that the hermit Aio had. The king walked many miles with his friends till they came to a small cabin. There a ranger was describing how he would preform anal sex quite loudly, though no one was around. The king asked if he was the sage. The ranger said "WHAT? Do i look like i have a 2-inch dick? ... Naw im just kidding dawg. Hes probably not that small, yah he went to the land of dragons called Bahamaut he will be back ... sometime i dunno." The Zhi was sad but asked that the ranger send word to the land of kings when the sage returned. He agreed and asked if the Zhi would like some of his meal of chicken, the king said he must be going.

Word came that the king that sage had returned and again with his brothers he rode. The dista asked if he really must call in person and the king told him that it was necessary to talk with a sage in person to show his respect. Dista pouted. Arriving at the cabin he found an angry green tribal near the cabin. He asked if the small knight was the sage. The small knight said "hell no, im gonna kick that motherfuckers ass- but hes out fighting the fucking horse dude that lives around here." The king seeing the anger of the man asked if he would like to kill the dragons, giant turtles, and other wacky shit that plagued the land of kings. The small knight said "Hell ya mothafucka" and Cloudx the Small joined the blue army, but the sage was still not in service of the king.

The king sent off some months later a final time. Dagna asked him why they must leave again to call on some random ass dude so far away and the king said that the sage would be worth a 100 trips.

And so they set off again to the small house in the mire. The ranger greeted them outside and told them the sage was inside but asleep. Dagna and Dista waited outside while Zhi entered the house. Not wanting to anger the sage Zhi sat quitely. After a time Dagna came inside to see what the long wait was about. Seeing the sage asleep he was furious. "You dont have to wait for him, your our leader." Zhi told him to STFU and wait. The sage awoke and seeing The Zhi scolded his ranger for not waking him up saying "Thats not way treat a lady mayn!" The Zhi interrupted saying that he requested he be left alone and the he was just a man with glorious sweater kittens. The sage introduced himself as Aiolias and they began to talk. After hours of pleading The Zhi convinced Aiolias to return with him as his chief advisor. Dagna and the Dista were called inside to pay homage to Aiolias, and did so begrudgingly.

With Aiolias making the strategy, The Zhi's Leadership, and Neil Peart on drums- the kingdom was on its way to glory.